Debris Of Life And Mind
Stay here. Speak of familiar things a while. –Wallace Stevens, “Debris of Life and Mind”
They met in Rome. He lived in a stone farmhouse in Todi among hills vineyards silence she shared an apartment in Trastevere with five girls where the tram crossed street noise construction noise molto rumoroso three months nothing happened he’d moved to the countryside to establish some kind of stability against the losses of life a bulwark against bitterness loss struggling to live a dream that winter all turned into a nightmare no heat no water no propane snow in March she cold back in Rome he teased her because she wouldn’t buy a warm coat one day he saw her with some boy thought forget it he did one day late spring they crossed paths again walking she said hi he said are you hungry? she said yes he said let’s eat they walked up the Gianicolo to a caffé sat outside facing the street ate tramazzini talked he asked her what she wanted she said I want to feel something he felt she was closed not cold but closed curious he felt they started hanging out drinking birra alla spina in an Irish pub in Largo Argentina hanging out walking through the city hanging out at night sitting next to each other legs splayed almost touching he wanted to she seemed closed not cold but closed curious his finger tips would touch her thigh while making a point one day they walked through Villa Borghese sat on the grass under a tree talking a couple sat down to their right started making out started touching started rolling on top of each other they joked about it but soon they left walked down via Veneto under spreading pine trees traffic noise overpriced everything molto rumoroso one night after birra alla spina in Largo Argentina she walked him back to Termini just before getting on the last train leaving he said come with me he hoped she would he hoped she wouldn’t the tension made him feel alive she said I want to but so he left that night but soon before she left for good he invited her again this time she said yes he met her train in Orvieto watched her walk out of the station walk to where he stood leaning on the car waiting for her she walked up to him he leaned down kissed her caught her off guard surprised her surprise drove back through winding roads past a lake through trees and vineyards to where he lived a stone farmhouse surrounded by hills vineyards silence they stood outside she seemed overwhelmed by it all he nervous but hungry leaned down and kissed her again longer this time passionately this time he put his arms around her led her upstairs into the house they he was nervous she was hungry they were he was she was this was something different new like stumbling on the shore of a new continent he sensed she felt something overwhelmed everything she left the next day he stayed she wrote a letter she might feel something a bulwark against bitterness so she came again he met her in Terni this time they spent days together she had to go back to America a career he had to stay in Italy to work to write to dream he wanted her to stay thought about asking wanting but not expressing then gone they emailed she missed him he missed her there was something everything but she was in Philadelphia city of freedom love commuting across the bridge to Camden every workday not freedom he went to Philadelphia it was hot that summer hot she hated her job not freedom he wanted to tell her all jobs were the same she would hate them all one day they walked 88 blocks in 100 degree heat a marathon of heat exhaustion talking her mind open to literature art philosophy more than just the cubicle of not freedom he told her about Miller, Nin, Bukowski, Nietzsche, Roth she read it all that summer he could see she had the spark the desire she felt something she hated her job he wanted not expressing what he wanted she felt something everything at summer’s end he left she stayed.
He wrote his memoirs Todi stone farmhouse a mad burst talking to sheep lizards then closed up the house escaped to Miami winter they started again Miami Maryland DC Philadelphia one mad night Atlantic City then summer she back to Italy with him summer college friend they stayed a week then backpacked through Europe he stayed backpacked two weeks came back friend left she stayed summer together he wanted not expressing what he wanted she wanted she needed to experience they went to Venice hottest day of the summer awful sticky hot Treviso drank prosecco then Paris three days Montmartre the Louvre then 1st class Thalys train to Brussels drank Belgian ale ate waffles with chocolate sauce at the airport she cried he cried they said goodbye she left he left then he left Italy for good.
Weighed down with 29 extra years of life mostly negative he’d run away to Europe a decade before to escape his family his troubles his family followed so did his troubles there was no escape because it was all inside him no matter where he went now family dead he settled in Dubai she in DC worked 8-5 HATED IT conversations all about her misery, her troubles, her unhappiness months passed winter freedom he flew to DC stayed with her and 7 roommates a house in the Heights she woke up 6 am rushed through breakfast rushed to the bus rushed to work he sat around or strolled through DC she miserable beyond belief he should have told her could have saved her the trouble quit one night she snapped he was late metro breakdown he had the keys she couldn’t get in the house she snapped what could he do she refused to quit she was stubborn competitive he should have quit but bodies told the truth he left she stayed.
Corporate life cubicle life sucked she finally quit flew to Dubai ten days passed far too quickly he wanted her to stay he wanted to ask not asking next Peace Corps she left he stayed they decided to spend last summer together where anywhere the world was open Paris they met in London arriving within an hour of each other at Heathrow Regent’s Park Westminster Abbey Houses of Parliament British Museum St. Paul’s Trafalgar Square Othello at the Globe then Easy Jet Paris he rented an apartment in Montmartre on a garden red gardenias quiet peaceful trees in the heart of the city of light Paris months magical together always hungry for each other Paris was his city he’d nearly starved there 1999 wrote and sold his first story there studio at the Buddhist Center wanted to share it all with her make it her city too dream summer worked together played together read together loved together cooked together she studied French swimming Les Halles time passed slowly afternoons evenings cooking drinking French wines tired but happy time passed quickly suddenly August she cried hysterical please stay he wanted to ask her to come back with him wanting but not expressing what he wanted the last day she said yes to Peace Corps future two years apart she asked will we make it? of course he replied he left she stayed her mother came airport same hour then a week of misery mother in Paris in his apartment she calling him hysterical then mother left then she left.
Peace Corps training Morocco emails slowed crawled once a week once every ten days impersonal two years apart 9 months before any possibility of even so much time apart Christmas New Year’s impersonal closed cold then time to let go I can’t see a future together the age difference too much only friendship your decision he went to Istanbul to forget all the places they’d been together cities countries continents your decision he fights it contact her no contact her no contact her maybe your decision shit he writes expecting nothing 24 hours she writes back excited friendship yes says she nearly contacted him but your decision friendship yes but he knows don’t listen to the metronome of the head listen to the poetry of the heart weeks pass they open up she tells him about a crush on a PCV a girl confused then another PCV a guy a month two months three months they start again planes trains taxis buses Dubai Casablanca Marrakech in a taxi sees her walking toward him bus stop in the taxi glancing at her back seat he smiles she looks disappointed almost leaves.
Awkward uncomfortable 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 months apart 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 months in the bled he awkward uncomfortable she closed up boxed up Riad Karmela touch kiss wait kiss touch wait talks to herself in Tashelheet in English crazy talk riad roof terrace magnificent cloudy skies breakfast conversation Marrakech tourist trap riad roof terrace food drink love over and over she talks to herself crazy talk clouds arrive on the horizon storm clouds three days later bus ride over High Atlas mountains passengers puking mountains magnificent desert magnificent it rains symbolic she says down into the valley Ouarzazate like New Mexico Arizona desert southwest memories check in Kenzi hotel talks to herself in Tashelheet in English what is she talking about? text message bad news I have to go then serious conversation outside her site is her bubble I don’t want you in my bubble I loved you once I don’t think I feel that way the storm arrives rain pours down I have to go now lost tomorrow back to Marrakesh no sleep midnight text message: I miss you I want you in my bubblehe goes arrival in the bled her site her village her house her women love night love muezzin 4 am next day bus to Agadir Sofitel beach resort out of the bled she’s overwhelmed luxury hot shower love talk eat sushi drink local wine love walk the beach talk sunburn love he wants to stay longer she has other plans Essouaria sorry dinner with PCV friend photo you look happy long taxi ride to Essouaria taxi stand goodbye no kiss no hug nothing settled he leaves she stays.
She sick very sick he flies her to Dubai sick ten days starts to recover she leaves he stays she sick finally quits promises Dubai says I need to see you first so he flies to Rabat New Year’s Eve awful terrible worst she sick only 36 hours together before repatriation crappy Italian restaurant cheap red wine Rabat he snapped then next day midnight she leaves he stays Fez Casablanca sick of Morocco back to Dubai then America she refuses he leaves she stays he Paris Rome Spain she 1 2 3 4 5 months then summer New York W. reunion artistic residence Brooklyn loft same story once again she comes another summer together she says I want to date you she says you’re an addictionanother summer together June July August summer ends she says I want you in my life but she stays he leaves same old story distance conversations then stands him up 1 2 3 4 times same old story only he silent now she writes I’ve met someone else I want to be with he silent now no response intoxicated now with freedom Berlin freedom Hong Kong freedom freedom from and freedom to not the same old story they no more like everyone else same old story then no more no more than memories the debris of life and mind.
